From The Other Side

              The house was eerily quiet. The occupants were probably out for a stroll. She ventured in and gazed at the familiar surroundings. Nothing had changed. The table was still placed at an odd angle to the sofa. The dining table was littered with paper shreds from the copy machine. “It is supposed to be a dining table, pa! Don’t keep your copier here!”, she used to say. But things never worked her way. She glanced at the sofa covers. Old and dusty. Nobody had bothered to wash them since a long time. And perked at the top of the armrest was her father’s mobile phone. He might have left it behind. It was one of such typical tendencies exhibited by her father. The old wall clock chimed to the tunes of 1 o’clock. She went inside to the cooking area. The dusty and pale kitchen platform indicated the diminishing tendencies of cooking. It struck her as a bit odd. Awkwardly, she turned around. A mighty lizard barged its way onto the ceiling. She cringed at the tiny reptile. She never really understood the purpose of a lizard’s life. Climb, eat, scare humans off and repeat? “Why do you hate those harmless fellows? Look at them closely, you will find them cute!”, her sister used to say. She never really agreed to the proposal. The mere sight of a lizard would make her lose her appetite and jump far away from the reptile.She strode across the hall to enter her sister’s room. Tom was looking accusingly at the tiny Jerry running with a handful of cheese. Buttercup was ready to take flight at the dawn of any imminent danger. She was flanked by Bubbles and blossoms at her either sides complementing each other to create the perfect visual effect for the poster. The cartoon posters drove her to an imaginary land of carefree fantasies. Gathering herself back to the present, she caught sight of an old drawing book. Wind ruffled the pages of the drawing book. It revealed an old crayon scribble by her baby sister. She struggled to fight back her tears when she saw the familiar sister duo, holding each other’s hands tightly, with the words “Love you Di!”, scrambled on the top. She wasn’t sure if it was her imagination that made her notice a smear across the drawing, the result of a teardrop, but surely not hers.

She was then infront of the cosiest part of the house. “My happy place”- she used to call it. One glance across the room was enough for her to be sure that this place had remained untouched since she left. But there was not even a single speckle of dust on the walls. With bleary eyes she walked past the wall hangings. There was a picture of her dad holding her when she was six. They were in the local playground, waiting for her turn on the swing. Back then, she used to be afraid of the camera lights. She would end up inadvertently closing her eyes during each photo click. But, in that picture, her eyes were wide open. Infact, there was a wide grin across her face. She had her favourite chocolate clutched in her hand. The prospect of relishing her favourite candy made her forget about the glare of the camera flash. Life was simple back then, she sighed. The innocent pleasures of childhood lost their way somewhere, as she hit adolescence.

Then came a picture of her dressed as an injured war hero, clutching a huge a silver trophy in her hand. In the background was a poster mentioning interschool mono-acting competition. She remembered the celebrations they had in their house following the event. It brought a huge smile on her face. The next picture was that of a family vacation when she was 12. Her mother had her hands protectively wrapped around her while her father was holding her 5-year-old baby sister in his arms. The entire family was smiling amidst their snow laden jackets and winter caps with a breath-taking view of snowy mountains behind. But she knew it wasn’t as happy as it seemed. She had failed her class 7^th exams miserably and she was going to be retained in the same class. She was deeply saddened by the prospect of seeing her friends getting promoted to the next grade when she remained behind. Her mother had decided for a surprise trip to cheer her up. But she didn’t need that. All she needed was a time machine to go back in time and write the final exams again. She had to eventually give in and it had turned out to be the worst family trip of her life. Looking back, she didn’t consider failing in 7^th grade as the worst point in her life anymore. That trip didn’t feel sad anymore. As it seems, life had bigger troubles in store for her.

The next one was from her parents 15^th wedding anniversary. Her mother looked resplendent in a bright red saree complementing her happy gait. She gazed at her mother and father wearing happy smiles on their faces. It was as if she was looking at it with a different light. It was not the first time she was missing her parents after that day, but the picture burnt a hole into her heart. She wiped the tears off her face. Her eyes wandered to her thin 14-year-old stature leaning on her father’s side. The sight drove her to the memories of a day prior to the day when the picture was clicked. She had yet again scored a zero in the class unit tests. Her parents had been summoned to the school and advised to take care of their daughter's faltering academics. Back home, she had received a piece of advice from her father, “If you don’t study, you won’t be able to pass your tenth Boards. You need to take atleast some efforts from your side. Do you want to waste another year in the same class?” With tears welled up in her eyes, she had locked herself in her room for hours together. She had thought of running away from her parents’ place, from their constant bickering. But she somehow couldn’t muster courage for the same. And today, she understood how trivial her sorrow was.

Then came the graduation day picture. Her 21-year-old self was staring at her with grit determination and ambition. Her parents were standing beside her with pride and joy in their eyes. She could recollect the feeling of having reached the ultimate goal after incessant efforts. She could see her alma mater, with her gang of friends blurred in the background. She was overwhelmed with emotions as she recalled their constant support and proactive help to ensure that she wasn’t left behind in academics. She realized that she missed them too. But the photo frame also brought back memories of the discussion with her parents the day after her graduation party. “I can ask around for some job role suitable for you. I have many acquaintances in the industry. You need not worry.”, her father had told her. But she did not want to use her father’s contacts. Rather , she wanted to choose an offbeat career path.

 “Acting?!! Do you think it is as easy as it seems?", yelled her father, "You may not even make it to the industry. It’s a really hard path to choose." "See,  I know what is right for you. Take up this job. My friend has offered you this role because of my persistent insistence. Don’t let my efforts go down in the drain!!”, her father had retorted at her suggestion. Her mother had tried to reason with him, but to no avail. “Please dear, listen to your father. I know he can be a bit stubborn sometimes. But I agree with his concerns. Don’t give up your dreams. Keep trying. If something comes up in future, we will surely let you go, but for time being, listen to your father and go ahead with this job. It’s an opportunity you shouldn’t refuse.”, her mother had finally coerced her into following her father’s suggestion. She had an inkling back then, that something wasn’t going right.

She took her eyes off the last frame and went near her writing desk. There was a neatly folded copy of a resignation letter lying at one corner of the desk. She could clearly remember that day, as if it was just yesterday. She had come back from work clutching her resignation letter. Her father had been looking at her with serious concern. There was no anger, just concern; concern about his daughter’s future. But after a brief pause of a few minutes, he had broken into a smile. “So, when are we seeing you on TV?”, he had chuckled. She had received a warm hug from both of her parents. She had finally felt that everything was going right. The memory made her smile. That was probably the happiest she had felt in years. She realized that her parents' support was all that she wanted to feel happy and proud. And then suddenly, she felt paralyzed. The realization dawned upon her. Helplessness made her feel lost and shaken. And then, her eyes caught sight of the scribbled note. The feeling of dread was rising inside her. With trembling steps, she approached the parchment and got lost in the implications of the words-

“Dear Maa and Paa,

I know I have never been an ideal daughter. Right from failing in class 7^th to performing poorly at work, I have done nothing to make you both proud. I know out of your two daughters, I have always been the underperformer. Inspite of everything, I always felt that acting is my true calling. I always felt that acting would be the place where I would outshine the masses.And I tried to give my best to my acting career. But yet again, I was proved wrong by the fate. I accept it today, that I failed miserably here too. I have become an alcoholic menace, who cant even bag a decent acting job in three years! I have lost my health and loads and loads of money. Your money! 

I know, I can’t pay it back. I can’t pay anything back to you. But I know one thing, I can make your life less miserable. I can stop putting you in situations where you feel ashamed to have raised a child like this. I can stop living. Thank you paa, thank you maa. I love you, and I will always keep loving you. 

From,

Your failed daughter”

She couldn’t cope with the implications of the words she had herself written a few days ago. The words fluttered and flew in the wind. She failed to grasp the sense of her own words. She was not “the failed daughter”. She was the “strong daughter”. It was so unlike her true self to give up ! What was it then? What had she done ? No, it wasn’t her. It was her depression, her impulse. And it was not her story. She had just tried for a few years. That wasn’t her failure. She stopped fighting and that was her failure. But she realized this too late. Now nothing could be done. She was on the other side now.

**********

The door cracked open. A pale middle-aged woman dragged herself onto the sofa. The dark circles around her eyes matched the colour of kohl. She looked around the place and with a start, she exclaimed,“Can’t you feel something? Something different ... something unusual? I think my daughter has come back to meet me!”

“Maa, I think you need some rest”, replied a girl, wrapping her arms around her mother’s shoulders. “No! Can’t you feel it? I know she is here! I know she is! She can’t leave me! I know this is not possible!”, the mother started sobbing.” Can’t you understand? This fan that you see here-”, the man shouted, pointing to a ceiling fan, “she used it to strangle herself to death. Because she thought that was the best gift she could give to the parents who raised her! And we just cremated her body! Don't you get it? She is never coming back!!” He fought back his tears and sat down on the floor adjacent to his wife and his younger daughter.” She is never coming back…”, his voice trailed off.